I just spent the day taking down all of our christmas decorations. The Christmas tree that we chopped down ourselves was way past its prime. Pine needles were raining down on the living room. As I walked around and around and around the tree unwrapping the chrimas lights (trying not to get motion sickness) I did a lot of reflecting. Thanksgiving through Christmas is one of my favorite times. I love all of the tradition and special moments that make up that month. Everything is so intentional. It's filled with celebrations and family. Doing special things for one another. It's filled with beauty. So many lights sparkling and decorations that you only get to see once a year. The foods are different. Foods that are so special we only dust off the recipes once a year. It's just an immensly special and intentional time. And I lavish in it. I try to take it all in and just enjoy every moment. So when it's time to take it all down and move into the harshness of the winter of January it's easy to get depressed. Happens every year. I get the end of holidays blues.
But in the slow circle around the tree today I determined to do things different come the new year. Why do we do all of those special things one month out of the year? I don't make New Years Resolutions but I did decide that I am going to be intent on making "intentional, special" moments all the time. Find beauty in the harshness of January and February. Cook special meals for Jeff and I to enjoy. Maybe do a surprise gift here and there. Make more moments for being with family and friends. I want every month to feel like it's special and joyous. And I feel it's even more crucial for us to focus on this as we are waiting on God to bring us our little child. It will be easy for us to feel down in the waiting. Easy for us to get hopeless. But I want to do my best to stay focused on God and each moment of my life. Not to let days pass by without notice because I am waiting for something better to come down the road.
I am expecting good things in 2012. Excecting God's provision in every area of our lives. Expecting Jeff and I to continue to grow closer and stronger in our marriage. Expecting creative ideas to help us financially provide for our needs. I am expecting our family to grow with a little child. BRING IT ON 2012!!
When will the tears stop flowing. When can I be at work and see a little baby come through the door and not get upset. Sitting here at my office, I enter payments into quickbooks through the blur of tears. A patient comes in the door bringing her sweet little new born baby. She has her photo book with her as well. She talks about how her pregnancy was so easy. No pain, no sickness. The baby weighed the perfect amount. We all stand around her asking questions and marveling at this miracle of birth. Oooohhhing and awwwwing over the sweet little baby in it's carrier. I do my part to add to the celebration then walk back into my office to mourn what I so far cannot do or have. I am tired of the sadness. The pain. Tired of feeling like I cannot have or do what others so easily can. I am tired of feeling as though I'm always on the outside. Trying to imagine what it will be like to go through all of the things most women get to go through.
I want to rage, I want to cry, I want to curl up in a hole and not come out. I want to be like everyone else and finally have the blessing and miracle that is my hearts desire.
Wow, the past few months have been crazy. We have prayed, pondered, agonized, researched, thought about, considered, weighed out, noodled, puzzled over and deliberated and have finally came to the decision of picking an adoption agency to start our little family. We have not given up on the miracle of a biological child, but we have felt God leading us to move forward with bringing a little child into our home that needs a family to love.
In some ways the decision was made hard because I have felt that by deciding to adopt, that means I am giving up the hope that we will one day have our own biological child. But God has really impressed upon my heart that He has a purpose and a plan for us in this whole adoption process. We are so excited about what God is going to do in our lives as we step out and trust him through this journey. The very act of adoption is a sacred and a special act that is very close to God's heart. It is loving a child not because that child is a part of us, but because of who that child is...God's.
We just spent the past two days at our adoption agency in the Bay Area learning all of the ins and outs of the adoption process. We were given a binder full of paperwork that we need to fill out plus educational resources and materials to read. We also signed our contract and had amazing interaction with other couples who are in the same situation that we are in. They are full of heartache from infertility and desperate to finally start their little families. It was such a relief to be in a room of people that know exactly what we are going through. I know some of these couples could potentially be friends for life.
We are currently in our home study phase. This is where we need to get all kinds of paperwork filled out. Physical exams, TB tests, DMV records and marriage records collected, and letters of references from friends. We also will be going through our home with a home study checklist to get little things in order like putting all medications in a lock box and making sure we have other safety measures in place. Someone will then be coming into our home to inspect these things.
Concurrently with all of that we will be writing a "Dear Birth mother" letter. This is a 4 page letter with pictures of our lives, describing who we are and what our dreams for our family are. We will also be creating a website with additional information about ourselves. These are materials and ways that the birth mothers all across the U.S. can find us and pick us. It's a bit of a daunting process. Marketing ourselves so to speak. It feels weird, like we have to prove that we can be a good parent and stand out above the other few hundred couples out there doing the same thing. But again, we know that God is leading us in this direction so somehow He will direct the right birth mom to find our information and fall in love with us.
I could write so much more about this process. I will definitely keep the blog updated on everything. But now I must get back to the task at hand...paperwork!!!!
It's Jeff again. Just wanted to give a quick update to say that we found out yesterday that the results are negative. No pregnancy for us this time. Emotions are raw and the hurt is deep. Though our faith is deep, I have to admit times like these cause one to ask "why". Deep down, we know God is ultimately in control of our lives and he will open up new doors for us. "Though the tears may come at night, joy comes in the morning." Thank you to all of you who have walked with us on this journey. Your prayers have been felt and appreciated. We continue to lean on your support, especially as we mourn this loss and try to regroup and decide what is the next step for us. We love you!
Hello. It's Jeff writing this morning. I thought it would be good to add a few of my thoughts here. In just two days we will know for sure if Robin is pregnant or not. Yes, the wait has been full of emotional ups and downs, but we feel God has been giving us reminders of hope on a daily basis. I have to say Robin has been absolutely amazing through this process! She has handled the injections with ease, the procedures calmly and the intense emotions with a sense of faith and trust in God. I am so proud of her!
Those of you who know us know that we love the power of story. It is through the powerful medium of books, film and theatre that we find God often speaking to us. A little over a year ago, I was reminded of the story of David and Goliath . . . how the young David faced seemingly impossible odds. Through the story, I was reminded that though we may have many giants in our lives, nothing is impossible with God. I was reminded that as we trust in the Lord, He will give us strength to look our giants in the eye and to be victorious. Shortly after this, Robin and I watched the film Facing the Giants, a film produced by Sherwood Pictures. Little did we know that a subplot of the film is a young couple struggling with infertility. We knew immediately God was speaking to us through this amazing film. There are a number of scenes from the film that speak to us about our journey, but one specifically I would like to share here. We are reminded that even though the odds are against us, we continue to believe. Many times when we see the giants in front of us, we are overwhelmed and intimidated. But if we focus directly in front of us and give God our all, He will give us strength we never imagined we had. Whether we win or lose, we will give God the glory. Enjoy the clip:
Only a few more days of our waiting to find out if this IVF Cycle worked. We are so close. Getting scared and very emotional. I found an amazing song on youtube that made me bawl my intestines out basically. Very good. Please listen then scroll below and you will find another one of my video thoughts.
"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." - Jeremiah 29:11-14 (The Message)
It is Saturday and I am still sitting on this couch. My transfer was 3 days ago. I think I am making myself crazy. Not only am I tired of sitting around, but I have had way to much time to think. Think about all of the possibilities of what could or could not happen. I have been depressed one minute and hopeful the next. I am also hyper aware of every ache, pain and symptom my body is having. Analyzing whether or not this little embryo is taking or not. And I am on you tube watching the IVF journey of other women. Their successes and failures. I am mourning the fact that we only had one healthy embryo to transfer and freaking out at how this lowers our odds so much. I am having a hard time understanding why my body didn't produce more healthy, good quality eggs.
I think I am scared to death of more disappointment. Jeff and I were talking this morning and really being real with our feelings. We both are in that place of not knowing how we will recover from the disappointment of finding out that this pregnancy didn't work. I know, I know, we also have that other part of ourselves that knows, "of course we will recover". We always bounce back. But in this waiting time, we are in a tug of war with God. I am trying so hard to remain positive and hopeful and full of faith. But how do you do that when you know that reality says, it still may not happen. I don't know how to walk that line. It makes me feel like I am going crazy.
I know I was meant to be a mommy. Whether that is through having my own child or through adoption. And somehow we will get there. I just today feel like my heart can't go through another heart break and disappointment.
Can it really be true? Embryo transfer has happened. It seems like we have been thinking, planning and praying about this for months. Then it all seems to culminate in one quick procedure and now I'm home resting and praying that this new little embryo that has been placed in my uterus will turn into the little baby that we have longed for. It's all so surreal. I can't believe it. We are both walking in a place of being so excited that I am potentially pregnant! It's a hard line to walk though because I know we are both scared to death of being disappointed. This not working. But we DO KNOW that God is bigger than all of this and He is a God of miracles and has our best interest in mind.
Transfer day went really well. We had a consult with the doctor before hand in whch he showed us the picture of our little embryo. So amazing!! I think it looked more like me personally. HA! Then he explained that the lining around the embryo which is called the "zona" was pretty thick and that they would like to do a procedure called "Assisted Hatching". This is where they take a laser device and make a little perforation in the lining in order to give it a head start in the hatching process. Since we only had one embryo he wanted to do everything possible to make this a success. We were surprised by this new decision because my age range and history did not make me a candidate so we had not even thought about having to make this decision. But of course we wanted to do everything we can to make this work. I then went into the operating room and started chugging water down. You have to have a full bladder for this procedure as they use a ultrasound to visualize what they are doing. This was by far the hardest part of the whole procedure. I thought I was going to die of having to pee. But as soon as the embryologist walked into the room carrying our little embryo I completely forgot about that and started crying. It was such a neat moment. He then inserted that into the catheter and Jeff was able to film the the little embryo being injected into my uterus. UNBELIEVABLE!! Who gets to witness the actual moment of getting pregnant?? We are still blown away. We then went to a hotel and I was on bed rest that day and night. I have now been resting at home as they recommend a period of about 3 days of bed rest.
Enjoy the footage of our day as well as the amazing moment of placing the embryo inside my uterus!!
August 1st I will go in for blood work to determine if I am pregnant. It will be a long week and a half wait. In the meantime I am continuing to get injections in my rear of progesterone as well as taking different pills and supplements to make sure the uterus lining is strong and healthy. If I find that I am pregnant I will continue doing the progesterone injections for about 6 weeks as well as add another injections of Hepron. This is a blood thinning medicine because I have a blood clotting disorder. I will continue that injection every day of my entire pregnancy.
Whew!! So many emotions. But God is giving grace each day. Every new injection and procedure that was coming up I didn't think I would have the strength to go through, but God has been so faithful to give me the HUGE amounts of Grace that were needed at the time. I am amazed at my strength. And I continue to adore Jeff more every day because of his continued encouragement and nurturing towards me. He has done amazing with giving me my injections. I couldn't do this with anyone else! He is my man!!!
I have gotten a little behind in writing. I think the emotion and craziness of this journey at times leaves me without words. Or without the oomph to sit and ponder. My thoughts run deep and heavy. And this doesn't always mean sad heaviness. It is just the heaviness of the situation. Of being so close to possibly reaching the desires of our hearts. Like we are standing on the precipice of something big. We are trying to weight out having faith and hope in the midst of knowing we could still come out in the end with devastation. That is a hard conundrum. So we take it one moment at a time. One injection at a time.
This past week has been very busy with doctors appointments. The fertility center is 1 1/2 hour drive away from Chico. This poses a lot of tiring driving back and forth and extra missed time from our jobs. Last Monday we attended an "Egg Class" which was taught by an embryologist that works at the fertility center. This was a discussion about what happens during the egg retrieval and how our eggs and sperm are treated in the lab. What precautions and safety measures they take. It was very informative and gave us peace of mind that the right steps are taken. Then on Wednesday I went in for blood work to determine where my estrogen levels were at. They found that my estrogen was a lot higher than it was normally at this point in the process so they wanted me back the next day for an ultrasound and more blood work. The ultrasound confirmed that some of my follicles had grown to a large size very quickly. They normally like the follicles to reach about 20 mm which is then what signifies you are ready for egg retrieval. Several of my follicles were already at an 18 and 19. So they wanted me to continue my meds and come back the next day for a final ultrasound. On Friday the final ultrasound determined that about 6 of my follicles were ready to go. Below is a video of the ultrasound and measuring of the follicles.
They believe the reason I was ready so quickly was because they had started me out on stronger doses of the hormone injections because I have a low ovarian reserve. So Friday was called my "Trigger" day. We went home that evening and took an injection of a different hormone which would signal the eggs in the follicles to drop down from the follicle walls so that they would be ready for retrieval on Sunday. UNBELIEVABLE!! The day had come.
Sunday was a very early morning. We checked in, went in the operatory prep room and got all hooked up to my IV. Lots of questions were asked. Constantly making sure I was Robin White and confirming my birth date. I was very grateful for that. Nerves were running high but we were also excited this day had arrived. We noticed in the background they had the song by Kutless called "What Faith Can Do" which we feel was a song given to us as a promise by God. This was amazing timing that God was singing that song over us as we were laying there ready to have my eggs retrieved.
Have fun watching the video of me after anesthesia. I don't remember ANYTHING!!
Upon waking up I found out they were able to retrieve 5 eggs. Not a high number but for us we were great with it. Gave us 5 good trys and chances. We made it back home and I was on bed rest the rest of the day. I was pretty nauseous and crampy, but did okay overall. We knew that back at the lab they were determining which eggs were mature enough to have Jeff's sperm injected into them and then they would perform that process.
I received a follow up phone call this morning. It was the embryologist giving me the embryo update. Out of the 5 eggs retrieved only 2 of them were mature enough to have Jeff's sperm injected into them. Then out of those 2 only one survived that process. She assured me that even though we only had 1 embryo out of the process that there were many woman who received one embryo and still became pregnant. I assured her I was fine then hung up the phone and bawled. It was very disappointing news. We had so hoped and prayed for at least 2 or 3 healthy embryos in order to increase our odds of actually getting pregnant. But even though the news was disappointing for both Jeff and I, we are determined to remain hopeful and know that it only takes one embryo to make a baby!
The transfer is scheduled for this Wednesday. We will be staying overnight in Roseville in order to give it a day before getting back in the car for the drive home. I will then be on bed rest until Saturday.
Lord, you are God over our lives, over our bodies and over this little embryo sitting in the lab. You know our hearts desire to be parents and to raise a little child of our own. We pray your protection over this little one even before it enters my body. We know you have destiny for our lives. We love you God no matter what happens and will always serve you!
I can't believe that we are already 5 days into our injections. It is unbelievable to me that this process seemed to be months away and I couldn't imagine what the injection phase would be like. Now I am smack in the middle of it. Things are going really well. Not a lot of side effects. This was a big worry for me, but I have emotionally and physically been doing really well. The only side effect I am starting to feel is a little bloating which from what I have heard is perfectly normal. So I attribute everything to God's grace and everyone's amazing prayers. We feel so absolutely covered and loved.
On Friday we went from 2 injections a day to 4 injections a day. We are using 3 different types of medications and syringes for each. I do Lupron (in my thigh) and Gonal F (in my abdomen) in the mornings, and Lupron (thigh) and Menopur (abdomen) in the evenings. We are suppossed to stay on a schedule of 12 hours apart so we inject at 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. Seems to work fairly well for us although we have had to cut a function or two short so far in order to race home and inject.
Our morning injection that we added is called Gonal F. Here is a video of prepping the pen and then injecting. Such an interesting little contraption but it wasn't too bad at all.
Our evening added injection is called Menopur. This one requires some mixing. We are quite a bit more nervous with this one because we want to make sure we are doing it right. I had also heard that this one can sting quite a bit. Yep it did!! My least favorite injection of the 3.
Definitely we are in a world that not many people can relate to. We feel that this is the only thing we can think about and focus on right now. It's such an odd place to be in. But we are absolutely grateful to be here and excited for the miracles ahead. We are continuing to try and hold on to as much faith as we can muster. One last video I want to include is a music video by Kutless. A sweet and dear friend of mine named Vikki, heard it and called me right away to listen to it. This song is very near and dear to our hearts and is our prayer and cry.
Wow!! We did it! Our first injection. We feel so proud. I am attaching videos of our day. I am sure ya'll will get a kick out of it. We are amazed that we are now underway with the IVF process.
This first video is at the start of our injection clinic. Our nurse coordinator is named Lina. She is super nice and takes good care of us. She was highly embarrassed when Jeff whipped out the camera and started filiming. I love when that happens. :)
Jeff practicing his first injection. Attached to my leg is a practice squishy thing. Awwww...technical terms.
Finally at home. A little explanation of the day.
Jeff is now preparing the medication. He should now be referred to as Dr. White.
And here we go...1st injection. We weren't nervous at all. Nope, no way, uh huh, never. Have I convinced you yet??
We are finally about to begin our IVF process. We have spent the past several months being tested, prodded and poked and now we have reached d day. Tomorrow we drive to our clinic which is about an 1 1/2 hours away where they will do a baseline ultrasound and then we will go through our 2 hour shot clinic. This is where they will teach Jeff and I how to administer the injections that I will be taking every day. There will be a total of 4 injections per day that I will be taking for about a two week period. Sometime after that is done they will retrieve my eggs, fertilize the eggs with Jeff's sperm and 3-5 days later transfer them back to me. Then the waiting begins for the next 2 weeks to see if I am pregnant. This is a VERY general time span but you get the picture. After our appointment tomorrow we will receive the specific time frame of when everything will be happening. I will be starting my injections either tomorrow or Thursday.
Neither of us can believe the time has come but the anticipation has been buidling up for quite some time now as we have known this is what we will be doing. I am FREAKED out, but anxious to get started. I don't think either of our brains can quite comprehend what is ahead of us. A prayer I have been praying moment by moment is GRACE, GRACE, GRACE. We will both need it. Especially in the moments that I don't think I can handle it anymore.
We will continue to keep you updated. But in the meantime I am attaching a picture of all of the medications and shots that we have at home. It containes over 150 needles and syringes. YIKES!
I just spent the day taking down all of our christmas decorations. The Christmas tree that we chopped down ourselves was way past its prime. Pine needles were raining down on the living room. As I walked around and around and around the tree unwrapping the chrimas lights (trying not to get motion sickness) I did a lot of reflecting. Thanksgiving through Christmas is one of my favorite times. I love all of the tradition and special moments that make up that month. Everything is so intentional. It's filled with celebrations and family. Doing special things for one another. It's filled with beauty. So many lights sparkling and decorations that you only get to see once a year. The foods are different. Foods that are so special we only dust off the recipes once a year. It's just an immensly special and intentional time. And I lavish in it. I try to take it all in and just enjoy every moment. So when it's time to take it all down and move into the harshness of the winter of January it's easy to get depressed. Happens every year. I get the end of holidays blues. 
