Tears

When will the tears stop flowing.  When can I be at work and see a little baby come through the door and not get upset.  Sitting here at my office, I enter payments into quickbooks through the blur of tears.  A patient comes in the door bringing her sweet little new born baby.  She has her photo book with her as well.  She talks about how her pregnancy was so easy.  No pain, no sickness.  The baby weighed the perfect amount.  We all stand around her asking questions and marveling at this miracle of birth.  Oooohhhing and awwwwing over the sweet little baby in it's carrier.  I do my part to add to the celebration then walk back into my office to mourn what I so far cannot do or have.  I am tired of the sadness.  The pain.  Tired of feeling like I cannot have or do what others so easily can.  I am tired of feeling as though I'm always on the outside.  Trying to imagine what it will be like to go through all of the things most women get to go through. 

I want to rage, I want to cry, I want to curl up in a hole and not come out.  I want to be like everyone else and finally have the blessing and miracle that is my hearts desire.