2 week wait torture

It is Saturday and I am still sitting on this couch.  My transfer was 3 days ago.  I think I am making myself crazy.  Not only am I tired of sitting around, but I have had way to much time to think.  Think about all of the possibilities of what could or could not happen.  I have been depressed one minute and hopeful the next.  I am also hyper aware of every ache, pain and symptom my body is having.  Analyzing whether or not this little embryo is taking or not.  And I am on you tube watching the IVF journey of other women.  Their successes and failures.  I am mourning the fact that we only had one healthy embryo to transfer and freaking out at how this lowers our odds so much.  I am having a hard time understanding why my body didn't produce more healthy, good quality eggs. 

I think I am scared to death of more disappointment.  Jeff and I were talking this morning and really being real with our feelings.  We both are in that place of not knowing how we will recover from the disappointment of finding out that this pregnancy didn't work.  I know, I know, we also have that other part of ourselves that knows, "of course we will recover".  We always bounce back.  But in this waiting time, we are in a tug of war with God.  I am trying so hard to remain positive and hopeful and full of faith.  But how do you do that when you know that reality says, it still may not happen.  I don't know how to walk that line.  It makes me feel like I am going crazy.

I know I was meant to be a mommy.  Whether that is through having my own child or through adoption.  And somehow we will get there.  I just today feel like my heart can't go through another heart break and disappointment.