Hope Deferred

Hope is a hard word for me.  Something I grapple with on a daily basis as we continue the journey of waiting for our precious children to enter our lives.  It has definitely been a learning curve of how to walk through life with Hope even when we continue to have heartache and disappointment after disappointment.  I came across this scripture today.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12.  I know the first part of that verse like the back of my hand.  Hoping and hoping and hoping for this child, yet to continually have it snatched away definitely makes the heart sick.  Like literally. 

We were matched with a WONDERFUL birth mamma for the past 4 months.  We built a great relationship with her and finally really saw this little baby girl as very possibly being the baby girl for us.  We had planned, we had prepared, I finally let myself really dream and picture her a part of our lives.  I pictured holding this little treasure in my arms.  We put ourselves out there in a way we hadn't done yet because we truly "Hoped" and believed that this was finally our time.  But last week we received the news that she had changed her mind.  While we can never be mad at or fault a birth mom in changing her mind, we were devastated.  It's like we were punched in the gut.  Yet again, we had our dreams snatched away in a moment.  And today as I sit writing this blog the baby is being born.  We were to be there today.  I was going to have the absolute honor and privilege of being in the c-section room.  I can't help but imagine what it would be like right this moment as I would have already witnessed the birth of this precious baby girl.

I'm not sure why this journey has to be filled with so much disappointment for us.  Asking the question "why" can make a person insane because we will probably never receive an answer this side of heaven.  But I have to look at the last part of that scripture verse that says ..."but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life".  I have to put my "Hope" in Jesus and not in an outcome or an end result.  Because I know that only He can fulfill my deep and insane longings.  Those empty places I have in my heart as my arms constantly remain empty.  And I know that God is ok with my yelling and screaming and ranting and raving.  In fact I let loose yesterday in my car in the Target parking lot.  I am sure I looked like a crazed woman.  But boy I sure felt better afterward.  :)

So we continue to wait.  Again.  It will happen.  Everyone says that when our baby is finally in our arms, the journey and the heartache will all fade into the background.  Oh how I can't wait for that day.