Darn pine needles!

I just spent the day taking down all of our christmas decorations.  The Christmas tree that we chopped down ourselves was way past its prime.  Pine needles were raining down on the living room.  As I walked around and around and around the tree unwrapping the chrimas lights (trying not to get motion sickness) I did a lot of reflecting.  Thanksgiving through Christmas is one of my favorite times.  I love all of the tradition and special moments that make up that month.  Everything is so intentional.  It's filled with celebrations and family.  Doing special things for one another.  It's filled with beauty.  So many lights sparkling and decorations that you only get to see once a year.  The foods are different.  Foods that are so special we only dust off the recipes once a year.  It's just an immensly special and intentional time.  And I lavish in it.  I try to take it all in and just enjoy every moment.  So when it's time to take it all down and move into the harshness of the winter of January it's easy to get depressed.  Happens every year.  I get the end of holidays blues. 

But in the slow circle around the tree today I determined to do things different come the new year.  Why do we do all of those special things one month out of the year?  I don't make New Years Resolutions but I did decide that I am going to be intent on making "intentional, special" moments all the time.  Find beauty in the harshness of January and February.  Cook special meals for Jeff and I to enjoy.  Maybe do a surprise gift here and there.  Make more moments for being with family and friends.  I want every month to feel like it's special and joyous.  And I feel it's even more crucial for us to focus on this as we are waiting on God to bring us our little child.  It will be easy for us to feel down in the waiting.  Easy for us to get hopeless.  But I want to do my best to stay focused on God and each moment of my life.  Not to let days pass by without notice because I am waiting for something better to come down the road. 

I am expecting good things in 2012.  Excecting God's provision in every area of our lives.  Expecting Jeff and I to continue to grow closer and stronger in our marriage.  Expecting creative ideas to help us financially provide for our needs.  I am expecting our family to grow with a little child.  BRING IT ON 2012!!

Tears

When will the tears stop flowing.  When can I be at work and see a little baby come through the door and not get upset.  Sitting here at my office, I enter payments into quickbooks through the blur of tears.  A patient comes in the door bringing her sweet little new born baby.  She has her photo book with her as well.  She talks about how her pregnancy was so easy.  No pain, no sickness.  The baby weighed the perfect amount.  We all stand around her asking questions and marveling at this miracle of birth.  Oooohhhing and awwwwing over the sweet little baby in it's carrier.  I do my part to add to the celebration then walk back into my office to mourn what I so far cannot do or have.  I am tired of the sadness.  The pain.  Tired of feeling like I cannot have or do what others so easily can.  I am tired of feeling as though I'm always on the outside.  Trying to imagine what it will be like to go through all of the things most women get to go through. 

I want to rage, I want to cry, I want to curl up in a hole and not come out.  I want to be like everyone else and finally have the blessing and miracle that is my hearts desire.

Adoption....Here we come!!

Wow, the past few months have been crazy.  We have prayed, pondered, agonized, researched, thought about, considered, weighed out, noodled, puzzled over and deliberated and have finally came to the decision of picking an adoption agency to start our little family.  We have not given up on the miracle of a biological child, but we have felt God leading us to move forward with bringing a little child into our home that needs a family to love. 

In some ways the decision was made hard because I have felt that by deciding to adopt, that means I am giving up the hope that we will one day have our own biological child.  But God has really impressed upon my heart that He has a purpose and a plan for us in this whole adoption process.  We are so excited about what God is going to do in our lives as we step out and trust him through this journey.  The very act of adoption is a sacred and a special act that is very close to God's heart.  It is loving a child not because that child is a part of us, but because of who that child is...God's. 

We just spent the past two days at our adoption agency in the Bay Area learning all of the ins and outs of the adoption process.  We were given a binder full of paperwork that we need to fill out plus educational resources and materials to read.  We also signed our contract and had amazing interaction with other couples who are in the same situation that we are in.  They are full of heartache from infertility and desperate to finally start their little families.  It was such a relief to be in a room of people that know exactly what we are going through.  I know some of these couples could potentially be friends for life.

We are currently in our home study phase.  This is where we need to get all kinds of paperwork filled out.  Physical exams, TB tests, DMV records and marriage records collected, and letters of references from friends.  We also will be going through our home with a home study checklist to get little things in order like putting all medications in a lock box and making sure we have other safety measures in place.  Someone will then be coming into our home to inspect these things.

Concurrently with all of that we will be writing a "Dear Birth mother" letter.  This is a 4 page letter with pictures of our lives, describing who we are and what our dreams for our family are.  We will also be creating a website with additional information about ourselves.  These are materials and ways that the birth mothers all across the U.S. can find us and pick us.  It's a bit of a daunting process.  Marketing ourselves so to speak.  It feels weird, like we have to prove that we can be a good parent and stand out above the other few hundred couples out there doing the same thing.  But again, we know that God is leading us in this direction so somehow He will direct the right birth mom to find our information and fall in love with us.

I could write so much more about this process.  I will definitely keep the blog updated on everything. But now I must get back to the task at hand...paperwork!!!!

IVF Cycle Results

Here are my thoughts on video.  Finally got up the gumption to record something.

Update

It's Jeff again. Just wanted to give a quick update to say that we found out yesterday that the results are negative. No pregnancy for us this time. Emotions are raw and the hurt is deep. Though our faith is deep, I have to admit times like these cause one to ask "why". Deep down, we know God is ultimately in control of our lives and he will open up new doors for us. "Though the tears may come at night, joy comes in the morning." Thank you to all of you who have walked with us on this journey. Your prayers have been felt and appreciated. We continue to lean on your support, especially as we mourn this loss and try to regroup and decide what is the next step for us. We love you!

Don't Quit!

Hello. It's Jeff writing this morning. I thought it would be good to add a few of my thoughts here. In just two days we will know for sure if Robin is pregnant or not. Yes, the wait has been full of emotional ups and downs, but we feel God has been giving us reminders of hope on a daily basis. I have to say Robin has been absolutely amazing through this process! She has handled the injections with ease, the procedures calmly and the intense emotions with a sense of faith and trust in God. I am so proud of her!

Those of you who know us know that we love the power of story. It is through the powerful medium of books, film and theatre that we find God often speaking to us. A little over a year ago, I was reminded of the story of David and Goliath . . . how the young David faced seemingly impossible odds. Through the story, I was reminded that though we may have many giants in our lives, nothing is impossible with God. I was reminded that as we trust in the Lord, He will give us strength to look our giants in the eye and to be victorious. Shortly after this, Robin and I watched the film Facing the Giants, a film produced by Sherwood Pictures. Little did we know that a subplot of the film is a young couple struggling with infertility. We knew immediately God was speaking to us through this amazing film. There are a number of scenes from the film that speak to us about our journey, but one specifically I would like to share here. We are reminded that even though the odds are against us, we continue to believe. Many times when we see the giants in front of us, we are overwhelmed and intimidated. But if we focus directly in front of us and give God our all, He will give us strength we never imagined we had. Whether we win or lose, we will give God the glory. Enjoy the clip:

Fighting for Hope

Only a few more days of our waiting to find out if this IVF Cycle worked.  We are so close.  Getting scared and very emotional.  I found an amazing song on youtube that made me bawl my intestines out basically.  Very good.  Please listen then scroll below and you will find another one of my video thoughts.