It's about time for the HUGE update!

Has it really been more than a year since I posted an update??  I think it just got to the point where the waiting started to seem redundant and there was nothing left to say.  But boy, that has definitely all changed.  Ready for it??

I'M A MOMMY!!!!!!

 

This little man has forever changed our lives.  Feast on this gorgeous face...

 

This is going to be the best Christmas ever!!  All of those years spent waiting, and praying and hoping finally produced the most amazing little miracle.  Jeff and I feel blessed beyond belief.  Jacob was born on February 8th, 2014 and I will write a post very soon with more details.  But in the meantime, I hope everyone has an amazing Christmas and know that whatever you are praying for, God hears!!!

 

 





Hope Deferred

Hope is a hard word for me.  Something I grapple with on a daily basis as we continue the journey of waiting for our precious children to enter our lives.  It has definitely been a learning curve of how to walk through life with Hope even when we continue to have heartache and disappointment after disappointment.  I came across this scripture today.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12.  I know the first part of that verse like the back of my hand.  Hoping and hoping and hoping for this child, yet to continually have it snatched away definitely makes the heart sick.  Like literally. 

We were matched with a WONDERFUL birth mamma for the past 4 months.  We built a great relationship with her and finally really saw this little baby girl as very possibly being the baby girl for us.  We had planned, we had prepared, I finally let myself really dream and picture her a part of our lives.  I pictured holding this little treasure in my arms.  We put ourselves out there in a way we hadn't done yet because we truly "Hoped" and believed that this was finally our time.  But last week we received the news that she had changed her mind.  While we can never be mad at or fault a birth mom in changing her mind, we were devastated.  It's like we were punched in the gut.  Yet again, we had our dreams snatched away in a moment.  And today as I sit writing this blog the baby is being born.  We were to be there today.  I was going to have the absolute honor and privilege of being in the c-section room.  I can't help but imagine what it would be like right this moment as I would have already witnessed the birth of this precious baby girl.

I'm not sure why this journey has to be filled with so much disappointment for us.  Asking the question "why" can make a person insane because we will probably never receive an answer this side of heaven.  But I have to look at the last part of that scripture verse that says ..."but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life".  I have to put my "Hope" in Jesus and not in an outcome or an end result.  Because I know that only He can fulfill my deep and insane longings.  Those empty places I have in my heart as my arms constantly remain empty.  And I know that God is ok with my yelling and screaming and ranting and raving.  In fact I let loose yesterday in my car in the Target parking lot.  I am sure I looked like a crazed woman.  But boy I sure felt better afterward.  :)

So we continue to wait.  Again.  It will happen.  Everyone says that when our baby is finally in our arms, the journey and the heartache will all fade into the background.  Oh how I can't wait for that day.

I've got Peace, but I ain't got no Patience!

Can it really be almost 2013??  Two more days and yet another year begins.  The past few months have been busy.  We have purposly taken the past few months to really hone back into each other and our home since moving on from our baby disappointment back in October.  The one thing we said we were going to do if that specific situation didn't work out was what anyone would want to do.  GO TO DISNEYLAND!!  Such a great 3 day get away.  A time of fun and just being together.  Nothing better than the happiest place on earth right??

Halloween came and went.  We enjoyed a bit of dress up as dominoe's.  It was cheesy but all we could come up with at the last minute.  HA!  Even Colby got into the act.

The rest of this year has been spent doing a few household things that we have been needing to do for quite some time.  We went to Ikea and bought their Billy Bookcases and Jeff did an amazing job of putting crown molding around them to make them look beautiful.  We got the idea off of ikeahack.com.  Such a great website. This entertainment center and bookshelf system was so needed in our small house.  Yeah for a place to finally put our books!!!

Even though we have done a great job of staying busy I do have to say that being back in the game of waiting for our baby has it's hard times.  It's so weird because I feel as if I have complete and utter peace that God has His perfect timing picked out for our little child to join our family.  But I have ZERO patience for it.  Seems an odd place to walk having peace yet a lack of patience.  I still question God and His timing but I continue to want nothing more than for this whole thing to be orchestrated by Him. 

Going through yet another holiday season yearning for our little family seemed empty and meaningless.  Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with jeff and my mom and our amazing friends.  I love doing things to make them feel special.  But it's another year of not being able to experience the joy, beauty and awe of Christmas through our little child's eyes.

We look to 2013 as the year this will finally happen.  But whatever may come I strive to learn and realize and feel in the depths of my being that God is Good.  He is Good in every situation and circumstance.  He is Good in my life.  I want to know God like I have never known Him before.  To try to not focus so much on what I do not have, but focus on God and His Goodness!!!!

Nursery Fun!

While we were "matched" with our previous birth mom we sure had a lot of fun doing some of the preliminary work on our nursery.  I do have to say though that it can be a bit hard and emotional to decorate and design a nursery when we don't know the timing or the gender of the baby that will be coming into our lives.  So we have designed it fairly neutral at this point and will leave the details and final decorating to happen when our baby comes home with us.  If we have a girl I am going girl crazy.  Pink curtains and so on.  If it's a boy, oh it will be baby manly.  Hopefully I have chosen the basic colors that can be easily added to later.

The first thing we did before we painted was pray over the nursery and pick out scripture verses that we feel is important in our family and child's life.  Promises, prayers and so on.  Hard to tell in this picture but we just wrote with pencil.  We had worship music playing and just had a sweet time together as husband and wife praying over our future child.

 

Then we got to painting.  We chose a blue/green color for the walls in the main room and a beautiful gray color for the inside of the closet.  We had removed the closet doors a long time ago and had a built in office in that space.  I think I will still leave the closet doors off and when I know the gender of the baby will use pretty curtains to hang around the closet.

 

Our crib came in the mail.  HA!  So funny.  I came home from work and it was sitting on our porch.  Such a fun and exciting delivery.  Here we are posing by it.  Just because we are goobers.  :)  The bright yellow bandaid on my arm was the whooping cough vaccinne I just got.  Look how responsible and prepared future parents we are.  He he.

 

Our next project was re-doing a $60 craigslist dresser into the changing table.  So fun!!  This one just thrilled us to death how it turned out.  Couldn't have dreamed it would look this good.  I did end up having a moment of insanity and went ahead and painted the changing pad frame pink because at the time we were expecting a baby girl.  But this can easily be changed if we do not have a girl.

 

Absolutely IN LOVE with this recliner/glider.  I bought it off of Walmart.com after reading many reviews about it.  Scary to order something large like this online having never touched it, but I am happy to report this is the best purchase we have made so far.  It is SUPER comfortable and very soft.  And I love the neutral color of it.  Will go with everything.  The shade you see hanging on the window is from SelectBlinds.com.  They are blackout shades and were fairly inexpensive because I got them at 30% off.  This is my favorite area in the house to sit.

 

 

I will post more pictures as I do more things.  As you can see nothing is hanging on the walls, I have no decoratins or curtains.  But that just leaves more fun to come once we finally have our little baby home.

Twists and Turns

The past 4 months have been crazy for us.  On June 15th we received a phone call from a birth mom who was very interested in us for potentially adopting her baby girl.  She was due on October 2nd.  We had many good conversations and officially "matched" with her a few weeks later.  The term "matching" in adoption world means that she and us committed to each other to move forward in adopting her baby.  We were taken down off of our adoption agency's website and were no longer able to be viewed by other potential birth mom's.  We met with her in person and all of us came up with a contact agreement of how often we would all see each other after the baby was born.  This was all very exciting to us and we immediately came home and started preparing our little one's bedroom.  Could not believe we were finally at this point. 

The next few months have been busy with preparations.  We have had so much fun doing all of the things first time parents do.  We started watching videos on how to care for a newborn, we got our whooping cough vaccines, started buying a few little girl dresses and clothes and spent time with family and friends who were equally as excited to meet our sweet little baby girl.

The baby was finally born on October 7th early in the morning.  We got the news a few hours later that our birth mom had changed her mind and would not be placing.  Wow!  Such a heartbreak for us.  Even though we knew this was a very real possibility for us the news was still hard to take.  We had the car packed and ready to go to the hospital at any moment. 

But God was taking care of us that day.  All day long He was showing us His love through the things we read, a sermon we watched and the friends and family who visited, texted and emailed us their words of encouragement.  We know even more than we knew before that God has His timing picked out for us and our sweet little baby.  It WILL happen.  Our time will come to finally parent a little life.  While it can be so stinkin hard to wait and be patient I know without a doubt that I don't want this to happen a moment sooner than God has ordained. 

Our prayers continue to go out to the birth mom and her beautiful little baby that was just born.  We invested 4 months into praying for them and developed a deep love.  We know we were in their lives for a reason.  We may never know that reason but we don't need to know.  God does. 

Waiting

Wow, it's spring time here in California.  I love spring.  It is nice to finally feel like we are getting out of the winter blah's.  Start seeing more sunshine and a few days of warm weather here and there.  I get real excited about the new spring clothes I can pull out of my closet and start wearing again.  The past several months have been tough.  We finally were approved by our adoption agency and are now "On the Books" and available to be seen by birthmom's all over the country.  That was a super exciting day when we passed the paperwork hurdle and entered the waiting hurdle.  Even though we have only been "waiting" for a few months, it actually seems we have been waiting for years.  Wait a minute!  We HAVE been waiting for years.  HA!  How much longer is our wait?? 

Here is a great picture I found from a sweet girl named Whitney.  I have been following her blog as she and her husband struggle with infertility and are on a journey of adoption. She made this picture and I thought it was a great example of the infertility road.

If it wasn't for my strong faith in God I don't think I could make it through the emotions of all of ths.  But God continues to give me strength every day.  I know that Jeff and I will be parents.  He has an amazing little child picked out and planned for us.  The "waiting" will be but a spec when that precious baby is in our home.  I know this child will be so special and has such a plan and destiny on it's life.

In the meantime, until we meet you sweet baby, we wait.  And boy, we know it will be worth it.

Darn pine needles!

I just spent the day taking down all of our christmas decorations.  The Christmas tree that we chopped down ourselves was way past its prime.  Pine needles were raining down on the living room.  As I walked around and around and around the tree unwrapping the chrimas lights (trying not to get motion sickness) I did a lot of reflecting.  Thanksgiving through Christmas is one of my favorite times.  I love all of the tradition and special moments that make up that month.  Everything is so intentional.  It's filled with celebrations and family.  Doing special things for one another.  It's filled with beauty.  So many lights sparkling and decorations that you only get to see once a year.  The foods are different.  Foods that are so special we only dust off the recipes once a year.  It's just an immensly special and intentional time.  And I lavish in it.  I try to take it all in and just enjoy every moment.  So when it's time to take it all down and move into the harshness of the winter of January it's easy to get depressed.  Happens every year.  I get the end of holidays blues. 

But in the slow circle around the tree today I determined to do things different come the new year.  Why do we do all of those special things one month out of the year?  I don't make New Years Resolutions but I did decide that I am going to be intent on making "intentional, special" moments all the time.  Find beauty in the harshness of January and February.  Cook special meals for Jeff and I to enjoy.  Maybe do a surprise gift here and there.  Make more moments for being with family and friends.  I want every month to feel like it's special and joyous.  And I feel it's even more crucial for us to focus on this as we are waiting on God to bring us our little child.  It will be easy for us to feel down in the waiting.  Easy for us to get hopeless.  But I want to do my best to stay focused on God and each moment of my life.  Not to let days pass by without notice because I am waiting for something better to come down the road. 

I am expecting good things in 2012.  Excecting God's provision in every area of our lives.  Expecting Jeff and I to continue to grow closer and stronger in our marriage.  Expecting creative ideas to help us financially provide for our needs.  I am expecting our family to grow with a little child.  BRING IT ON 2012!!